Why it’s hard to ask for help.

A hallmark of a well-connected team is a sense of mutual trust and support. However, although many of us are more than happy to help our colleagues, we may find it hard to ask for help ourselves.

There’s a rational explanation for this – believe it or not – based on evolutionary psychology. Essentially, all humans are ‘wired’ to be part of a tribe. Early humans could only ensure their survival by fitting in with this tribe, keeping their heads down, and showing no weakness. That’s because weak individuals could slow the tribe down, endangering life in the face of an attack from a wild animal or a rival tribe. 

The primitive part of our brain that drives this ‘need to fit in’  still influences our behaviour in the 21st century, so it’s no surprise that our instinct is to resist showing our vulnerabilities. We don’t want to appear weak and show that we need help – for fear of being rejected by our tribe.

In fact, research shows that when humans encounter rejection, the brain activates the same pain sensors as if it had encountered a physical injury. This response steers us away from social rejection – it’s simply too painful!

So, what can we do when we need help but we’re too scared to ask?

The first thing to do is override our fear of rejection. We do this by engaging the logical part of out brain, identifying the benefits of asking for help, and weighing these against the downsides. In a high-trust team environment, these down-sides should be minimal.

Once we start to practise vulnerability and ask for help, we start to increase our internal resistance to our inbuilt fears. We realise that being vulnerable and helping each other in the 21st century tends to strengthen tribes, not destroy them. 

And the good thing is, the more we do it, the easier it gets!